for the love of keanu reeves!
this email is about keanu reeves
You are reading the words of a woman possessed – by the sight of something so beautiful; by the idea of something so powerful; by a single, burning, and perhaps unanswerable question: is Keanu Reeves a good actor?
I remember watching Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula for my college freshman seminar and thinking these are the choices he made? “He,” being Keanu and Francis and also Gary, if I’m being honest. But when I watched a press interview for the movie, Keanu was so eloquent about the role – he gave all the answers a good actor gives when they’ve done their homework. He knew what he was talking about, and yet…the performance……….?
I have been haunted by this question ever since. Is he gorgeous? Absolutely, at any age, with any haircut – this is not a question worth dwelling upon. Is he charming and down to earth? Yes and yes – if we’re to believe the memes. But…is he a good actor? I watched 10 Keanu Reeves movies to find out.
Okay, this movie…..kinda slaps! Say it with me: cult classic, BAYBEEE!! There’s a cyborg dolphin and Ice-T. Apocaloptica! The movie is supposed to take place in 2021 (lol) and the machines are giving everyone a disease (lol) and the corporation that owns the machines has the cure but keeps it secret (lol) because they profit off of everyone being diseased (LOL!). If you mess with cult-y, cyberpunk-y, dystopian realness – give this weird movie a whirl? It’s pretty fun and very dumb 9/10 good job, Keanu.
I mean, what is there to say? 11/10 excellent, the role he was born to play. The first movie is so iconic. The second movie they should have called, The Matrix: Everyone’s Horny because WOW is everybody horny in this movie. I mean, wow! The graphics really suffer from the fact that it was 2003 and I do recommend slightly squinting your eyes through the action sequences. The third is good, too. The fourth one really brought it home imho and can’t wait to rewatch it soon.
As I watched this movie, I realized I had already seen it. I have no idea where or when or how but I had definitely already seen it. Maybe on an airplane? Or a greyhound bus? In a YouTube compilation video? A class? I have no idea but it was spooky… Anyway, the movie is pretty good. Everyone is gorgeous and tan and Patrick and Lori and Keanu have great chemistry and Gary Busey…is also there. It’s a little slow at times but then again, maybe that’s just a part of the chill surfer vibes? When Keanu goes ARGGHHH and shoots his gun in the air? That’s acting, toots.
I’m gonna need you to buckle the frickity fruck UP because THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!! OKAY???? OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You got plans tonight? Cancel ‘em. Speed is one of the best. movies. I. have. ever. seen. There’s the Rose I was before I saw Speed, and the Rose I am now. From top to bottom this is an absolutely wild ride I was completely at the edge of my seat heart bumpity bumping 10 minutes in all the way to the end. Why does anybody talk about Die Hard when Speed exists? Why aren’t we talking about this movie more? Keanu has never been more gorgeous. Sandra has never been more gorgeous. Oh my god, the chemistry! It is out of this absolute world. I need you to hear me right now: this movie is a rom-com inside of an action-thriller. Did you hear me??? A turducken of genres!! And it’s so good!! Did I mention how good it was? BRB I’m gonna go rewatch Speed. 10,000,000/10
something’s gotta give
Honestly, I take great issue with this film: the plot, the casting, the audacity of choosing Jack Nicholson over Keanu Reeves?? This is a ROM-COM, Miss Nancy. Who is more romantic, funnier, and more charming – Jack or Keanu? Like, are you okay? Do you need help? You have to willfully ignore the chemistry between Keanu and Diane (who actually really dated after this!!!) in order for this movie to make any sense. Listen, Jack Nicholson is a great actor – but he is the most psycho choice for a rom-com lead! He is possibly the most unsexy person ever unless your brand of sexy is “major creep” (which is fine if it is!!). And before you cancel me – NO – you need a rom-com-capable actor roughly in their 60s in 2003? James Caan, Martin Sheen, John Hurt, Al Pacino, James Brolin, Robert Redford, I mean…like WHY did we choose Jack Nicholson??? I get that the character is supposed to be sleazy but…at what cost? I’m so bothered by this sorry lol. We get full frontal Diane Keaton nudity but not even the privilege of a single nip slip from Keanu or a worthwhile leading man? That’s not my feminism and I won’t have it.
Two stars for the movie, and five stars for Keanu being the only good thing about it. NEXT!
the day the earth stood still
10-year-old Jaden Smith out-acted absolutely everyone in this movie: Keanu, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates. Sorry, but that is the truth! This movie is not good but you can still have fun while watching it if you try really really hard? Lol.
the lake house
I remember thinking when this movie came out, God this is a stupid idea. And do you know what? Yes, it is very stupid. Does not make any sense. But it’s also…fun! Sandy B. and Keanu are back together! Listen, you have to be willing to suspend your disbelief. Lean into the movie magic and don’t ask too many questions. I mean, the titular “lake house” is a completely GLASS structure with a tree growing through the center of it built on stilts IN Lake Michigan in CHICAGO!!! That could never exist, sorry. Once we’ve been asked to accept that, it’s honestly not too far of a leap to romantic courtship via time-traveling mailbox. I will say the ending of this movie is exceedingly obvious from the very beginning but it was still good and fun.
The biggest and most important conclusion of this very scientific and professional experiment is that I love Keanu Reeves and would perish for him.
I actually really think the thing that is odd/unique about his acting is that he speaks in a distinct pattern (slow to finish a sentence but not slow with individual words? it is kind of surfer-y) and he tends not to move the top half of his face except in deliberate moments. I think this lends itself really well to characters who are emotionally stunted and/or entirely non-human lol like a robot or an alien. Give him action hero stunts! Give him wacky character-y comedy! Give him a man named Jack or Alex who walled his heart off years ago and who lets that wall come crumbling down while staring wordlessly into another actor’s eyes!
But don’t give him a period drama and for the love of god DO NOT make him do an accent.
john’s joke of the week
This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.
Do you know Victoria’s Secret?
It’s that her dad sucks at baseball.
Thank you for participating in and supporting my delusion. You can continue to do so by sharing this newsletter or getting my poetry book??
The next time I write to you, it will be from my new apartment (finally!!). Hope you’re kicking your summer off the way you want to :)