wow it has been SO LONG!!! my bad!

i’m just popping in to say that I am opening up an online shop on January 1st! there will be handmade knit and crochet clothes & accessories, upcycled items, & more!

i’m aiming to do monthly drops with new items and I am open for commissions. take a look at some of the stuff i’ve made below! (gonna have more a wider range of stuff in the future this is just a little sample!)

click here to visit the shop!

if you’re interested in getting updates on the shop, you can sign up for emails here or follow my crafting instagram page!

okay love you bye!!!!!!

www.crybabygoods.com

Happy new year! Welcome to 2023! How have you been? 

The beginning of the year is always very…interesting for me lol. Very rollercoaster vibes, you know? My expectations are always way too high in January and then I spend February emotionally recovering from the realization that my expectations were way too high and then March is kind of an existential headlock of wait what am I doing with my life haha. 

I soft-retired from comedy lol (did you not hear me say “emotional and existential crisis”) but I’ve been drawing a lot and taking pictures and trying to teach myself ~graphic design~. I traveled to the Philippines to see my favorite people and it was so beautiful and warm and now all my targeted ads* are in Tagalog and I love it! 

The sun is setting at 7pm now…the birds are beginning to chirp again…spring….she is nigh. And I can’t wait :)

FYI for you New York City folks - producing this show with John and it’s next Saturday 3/25 at 9:30pm and it’s going to be very very fun!! This lineup is FIRE – I mean these people are from TELEVISION! SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, EVER HEARD OF IT?? The last show sold out so you should get tickets!! “cmdytwn” will bring the ticket price down to $10 😈

*Speaking of targeted ads…

The algorithm continues to think I am some sort of terrible man with a bad personality. All of my targeted ads look like this:

I swear to you that I use the internet in a normal way. If anything, I use the internet in a feminine and kind of gay way. Like, I’m constantly googling things such as sasha colby boots the house down cunty fierce and david duchovny 1998 hot. I mean, hello??? I came of age in the Tumblr era and that’s how gay people are born. So why does THIS keep happening to me:

The way that these ads are so aggressively heterosexual….is a hate crime to me? And somehow this is just scratching the surface. I actually have two screenshots of two separate ads about grilled pineapple. I have one that says “Will your KPIs weather the storm of device ID depreciation?” and I don’t know what any of those words mean (DON’T tell me).

I don’t know how or when or why, but the Internet thinks I am a business bitcoin bro with bad taste and money to burn. How much RuPaul’s Drag Race does a person have to watch to end this kind of madness??????? I already watch a lot!!!

I’m hopeful I can turn the tide, though. This morning I saw this…and the future felt just a little brighter :)

John’s Joke of the Week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

I saw a billboard that said “Surgery in the morning. Home for dinner.”

Sounds like a pretty normal day for a surgeon.

Postscript

Just to recap – NYC show on the Lower East Side next week Saturday 3/25 at 9:30pm!! Tickets here!! Use the discount code “cmdytwn” if you want to!!

Share Coucou!

I hope to see you in your inbox more frequently………watch your back.

xoxoxoxoxo bye!!!!!

Exactly!

This was Heidi Klum’s Halloween costume this year:

This costume choice is……….beyond inspired. This – for ME??? – is pure genius. This is the best thing I can possibly think of for a celebrity to do with their money and I am incredibly serious.

Yeah yeah yeah I know this news is over a week old but I have to speak my truth to power and my personal truth is that WORM IS EXCELLENT. 

We all know that Miss Heidi delivers every Halloween but my god how will she ever top this!? Worm is beauty. Worm is grace. Worm is Miss United States. And Worm took two years to make!!

Do you think she knew about the meme? She must have known about the meme, right? I can just picture her calling her team and saying, “Hey…what about Worm?” What I would give to have been in the room where it happened…

Like, really though – who thought of this and how and why and where is their award? It is somehow both not a reference to anything at all while also being so of-the-moment that I can’t really wrap my head around it. The moment I saw Worm I thought, “Of course! It’s so obvious! WORM!” but also no science or mathematics could ever have predicted it.

This is some Rick Baker shit. I guess this was her first Halloween since the panini and girl, she really did the thing. And I know deep in my heart that she is covered in lube – I mean look at the way she’s glistening!

The je ne sais quoi of this worm… The way it is both high and low art…the horror and the camp and the humor…the grotesque and intricately hand-painted latex layers…the commentary on the rich…on the media…the stupidity of the commentary…the simple worminess of it all. It is meaningless and in that meaninglessness, it is so meaningful. 

AND THEN THERE’S THIS????? I am shedding real tears. The long red acrylics…the sheer sequined bodysuit…the hair tousle…the worm face. I sincerely wish I was kidding but this is really my favorite piece of art. 

shows

Got some shows in NYC and one in Portland, Maine if you are interested and if not that is OKAY!

Sunday 11/13 @ 5pm at Villanelle FREE stand up (Manhattan)

Tuesday 11/15 @ 8pm at Halyard’s FREE variety show (Brooklyn)

Wednesday 11/16 @ 6pm at Young Ethel’s FREE improv (Brooklyn)

Friday 11/18 @ 8pm at One Longfellow Square $10 variety show (Portland, ME - tickets here!)

Tuesday 11/22 @ 8pm at Halyard’s FREE variety show (Brooklyn)

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

You ever look at someone and you can’t tell if they are hot or just really tired?

postscript

This newsletter has moved in a more unhinged direction…not sure if I mentioned that already but I sure think it’s obvious! So do with that information what you will.

See ya next time xoxo

Sorry to be controversial, but I’m a summer girl. Summer is the best. Summer is my favorite. I love summer!!!! It’s warm at night and I live for that! None of the other seasons are doing it like her.

All the autumn girlies can dump their pumpkin spice lattes in the Delaware river for all I care! Have fun holding onto that jacket you needed this morning but is too hot for the rest of the day! I’ll be sipping my ice-cold wild blackberry mint limeade by the pool.

HOWEVER!

However…July is easily the worst month in New York City. It’s just gross and unpleasant and it smells bad and it’s wet?? But this is my first summer in Brooklyn – and, overall, the vibe is vibing.

The people of Brooklyn simply know how to relax. Manhattanites know how to have two work phones and one personal phone and walk really fast and do coffee enemas. But in Brooklyn? We live for the party and the party lives for us. The guys in the building next door have a whole living room set up on the sidewalk – chairs, coffee tables, speakers. Sometimes they pull out an x-box and play NBA 2K. You open the window to invite in the sounds of laughter and the game’s faux stadium applause; the sky glows neon tangerine and the smell of someone’s smokey barbecue floats up into the living room. Brooklyn and Summer have chemistry like Keanu and Sandra in Speed (no I will not apologize).

I also recently had the pleasure of being on the west coast where the nature is NATURE and the outdoors is OUTDOORS, if you know what I mean. Within 24 hours of landing in the state of Washington, I was watching nude, witchy hippies take a bicycle seat up the ass in honor of the summer solstice. We missed our ferry and had to take an impromptu ride in a tiny 6-seater airplane and the view was amazing. Overall, I saw so many mountains and also goats and chickens and two foxes and an owl. Like I said – the nature is nature!!!

Anyway…all this just to say – 11/10 spending time outside in nature during the summer. Highly recommend.

Hope your summer is vibing with your vibe. Go where the vibe takes you. #vibe

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

I hate that both my neighborhood and my hair are being gentrified.

postscript

we’re hosting a show!

THIS Sunday 7/24 at 7pm in the outdoor space at Villanelle – use the side entrance at 15 1/2 E 12th street.

FREE AND BYOB!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell ur friends 😘

I remember watching Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula for my college freshman seminar and thinking these are the choices he made? “He,” being Keanu and Francis and also Gary, if I’m being honest. But when I watched a press interview for the movie, Keanu was so eloquent about the role – he gave all the answers a good actor gives when they’ve done their homework. He knew what he was talking about, and yet…the performance……….?

I have been haunted by this question ever since. Is he gorgeous? Absolutely, at any age, with any haircut – this is not a question worth dwelling upon. Is he charming and down to earth? Yes and yes – if we’re to believe the memes. But…is he a good actor? I watched 10 Keanu Reeves movies to find out.

johnny mnemonic

Okay, this movie…..kinda slaps! Say it with me: cult classic, BAYBEEE!! There’s a cyborg dolphin and Ice-T. Apocaloptica! The movie is supposed to take place in 2021 (lol) and the machines are giving everyone a disease (lol) and the corporation that owns the machines has the cure but keeps it secret (lol) because they profit off of everyone being diseased (LOL!). If you mess with cult-y, cyberpunk-y, dystopian realness – give this weird movie a whirl? It’s pretty fun and very dumb 9/10 good job, Keanu.

matrix 1-4

I mean, what is there to say? 11/10 excellent, the role he was born to play. The first movie is so iconic. The second movie they should have called, The Matrix: Everyone’s Horny because WOW is everybody horny in this movie. I mean, wow! The graphics really suffer from the fact that it was 2003 and I do recommend slightly squinting your eyes through the action sequences. The third is good, too. The fourth one really brought it home imho and can’t wait to rewatch it soon.

point break

As I watched this movie, I realized I had already seen it. I have no idea where or when or how but I had definitely already seen it. Maybe on an airplane? Or a greyhound bus? In a YouTube compilation video? A class? I have no idea but it was spooky… Anyway, the movie is pretty good. Everyone is gorgeous and tan and Patrick and Lori and Keanu have great chemistry and Gary Busey…is also there. It’s a little slow at times but then again, maybe that’s just a part of the chill surfer vibes? When Keanu goes ARGGHHH and shoots his gun in the air? That’s acting, toots.

speed

I’m gonna need you to buckle the frickity fruck UP because THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!! OKAY???? OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You got plans tonight? Cancel ‘em. Speed is one of the best. movies. I. have. ever. seen. There’s the Rose I was before I saw Speed, and the Rose I am now. From top to bottom this is an absolutely wild ride I was completely at the edge of my seat heart bumpity bumping 10 minutes in all the way to the end. Why does anybody talk about Die Hard when Speed exists? Why aren’t we talking about this movie more? Keanu has never been more gorgeous. Sandra has never been more gorgeous. Oh my god, the chemistry! It is out of this absolute world. I need you to hear me right now: this movie is a rom-com inside of an action-thriller. Did you hear me??? A turducken of genres!! And it’s so good!! Did I mention how good it was? BRB I’m gonna go rewatch Speed. 10,000,000/10

something’s gotta give

Honestly, I take great issue with this film: the plot, the casting, the audacity of choosing Jack Nicholson over Keanu Reeves?? This is a ROM-COM, Miss Nancy. Who is more romantic, funnier, and more charming – Jack or Keanu? Like, are you okay? Do you need help? You have to willfully ignore the chemistry between Keanu and Diane (who actually really dated after this!!!) in order for this movie to make any sense. Listen, Jack Nicholson is a great actor – but he is the most psycho choice for a rom-com lead! He is possibly the most unsexy person ever unless your brand of sexy is “major creep” (which is fine if it is!!). And before you cancel me – NO – you need a rom-com-capable actor roughly in their 60s in 2003? James Caan, Martin Sheen, John Hurt, Al Pacino, James Brolin, Robert Redford, I mean…like WHY did we choose Jack Nicholson??? I get that the character is supposed to be sleazy but…at what cost? I’m so bothered by this sorry lol. We get full frontal Diane Keaton nudity but not even the privilege of a single nip slip from Keanu or a worthwhile leading man? That’s not my feminism and I won’t have it.

Two stars for the movie, and five stars for Keanu being the only good thing about it. NEXT!

the day the earth stood still

10-year-old Jaden Smith out-acted absolutely everyone in this movie: Keanu, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates. Sorry, but that is the truth! This movie is not good but you can still have fun while watching it if you try really really hard? Lol.

the lake house

I remember thinking when this movie came out, God this is a stupid idea. And do you know what? Yes, it is very stupid. Does not make any sense. But it’s also…fun! Sandy B. and Keanu are back together! Listen, you have to be willing to suspend your disbelief. Lean into the movie magic and don’t ask too many questions. I mean, the titular “lake house” is a completely GLASS structure with a tree growing through the center of it built on stilts IN Lake Michigan in CHICAGO!!! That could never exist, sorry. Once we’ve been asked to accept that, it’s honestly not too far of a leap to romantic courtship via time-traveling mailbox. I will say the ending of this movie is exceedingly obvious from the very beginning but it was still good and fun.

conclusion

The biggest and most important conclusion of this very scientific and professional experiment is that I love Keanu Reeves and would perish for him.

I actually really think the thing that is odd/unique about his acting is that he speaks in a distinct pattern (slow to finish a sentence but not slow with individual words? it is kind of surfer-y) and he tends not to move the top half of his face except in deliberate moments. I think this lends itself really well to characters who are emotionally stunted and/or entirely non-human lol like a robot or an alien. Give him action hero stunts! Give him wacky character-y comedy! Give him a man named Jack or Alex who walled his heart off years ago and who lets that wall come crumbling down while staring wordlessly into another actor’s eyes!

But don’t give him a period drama and for the love of god DO NOT make him do an accent.

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

Do you know Victoria’s Secret?

It’s that her dad sucks at baseball.

postscript

Thank you for participating in and supporting my delusion. You can continue to do so by sharing this newsletter or getting my poetry book??

Share Coucou!

Poetry Book!

The next time I write to you, it will be from my new apartment (finally!!). Hope you’re kicking your summer off the way you want to :)

xoxoxo

spring is springing! kind of! she’s trying her best. tbh, she lost track of time getting ready in the bathroom and is running a bit behind!!

how are you enjoying your seasonal allergies? or having to carry your jacket around? it’s that precious time of year when there are about three different kinds of weather you have to dress for on any given day. you know, she’s just trying to spice it up!

don’t get me wrong – I love spring. it’s just that getting there feels like it takes forever. it’s a transition with ups and downs: one day, you’re thinking we’re done! winter is over! and the next you are bundled up in your heartbreak and mittens, begrudging the fact that you already put your winter clothes away for the season. it is physically and emotionally confusing!

but today it was pretty sunny and the farmer’s market had so many fresh flowers and only some of the dogs had coats on. so I think we can be pretty certain that spring is on the way.

we’re looking for an apartment right now and boy, it is hard!!!!! why is it so hard!!!! and expensive!!!! ughhhhh and stressful ohmygod even when it is, like, “easy” it is so terrible. but then…once you’re finally moved in? gotten all the boxes inside and all the stupidly-shaped couches around stupidly-shaped corners? when you have everything set up and just the way you pictured it? baby…that’s bliss.

I assume! but honestly, I don’t really know. the last time I was in an apartment that I fully unpacked into was august 2019 and that was a time when I didn’t really have money for stuff so there wasn’t really stuff to have. but by now, I’ve accumulated some belongings (and some savings). and I am so eager to nest. to express myself as a ROOM! as a series of rooms, if I’m lucky.

it’s just that getting there is hard and it takes a while. it’s a transition with ups and downs. I know that it will happen and it will all come together – I’ll get that couch up those stairs one way or another. it’s confusing as hell, but you just gotta trust the process.

here is a poem about my childhood home in honor of the fact that I will soon be moving out:

red

I hope I remember the way the light

flooded the alley behind my childhood

home around four pm in the winter.

the way everything was red: brick and

rust and evening sun. everything elongated:

shadows and wavelengths and time

slowed down. the alley suspended in a 

brilliant blood-orange hue: namib sand and

poppy fields and dying embers. time suspended

in light: dust illuminated. I hope I remember 

the warm spot by the pipes on the floor 

where the cat used to sleep. the coldness

of the bathroom tile which I will love to 

remember hating. the lemon yellow we painted

the walls. the hiss of the radiator, of air rushing 

through the leaking windows. the way pins would

creep out of the creaking floorboards and stick

you in the foot: a reminder of everything

that came before you and all that will come after.

and the after is coming – in spite of the way the

light makes you feel warm, and forever. in spite of

all the time you spent staring out the window at the

alley bathed in winter sun. in spite of memory itself

I hope I remember everything as it was.

if you liked that it’s also in my little collection which you can buy by clicking the button below :)

more poems this way!

okay that’s it for now. hope you’re soaking up all the sun you can find!!

happy sunday and a good aries season to us all.

bye!!

I finished putting together my lil poetry collection :) it also has some photos I took :)

you can buy a physical copy for $14.99 or a pdf version for $4.99

(sorry this was like the cheapest I was able to make it bc page length etc!! also some pages are meant to face each other and idk if the pdf version *provides that experience* but do with that information what you will)

click here to buy!

hope you like it and if you don’t please don’t tell me lol!!!!!!!!!

ok that’s it :)))))))))) I hope you’re having a good week so far!!

bye!!!!!!

Happy 2022. I hope this trip around the sun is a good one for you. I feel off to a…pretty good start? I always find myself getting really over-zealous this time of year with a fresh start and some big ideas, so I’m trying not to get too ahead of myself. Searching for a reasonable, accomplishable pace. How is your new year going?

This newsletter contains:

• brief, dumb musings on a targeted ad

• things from the internet

• stuff i’ve been watching & a request for your recommendations

• john’s joke

egg on my face

A few months ago, I kept finding myself scrolling past these targeted ads for a product called “Just Crack an Egg” and wondering what I had done to deserve such a fate. Every time I crawled back onto the Internet I would see some ad for this product. Over. And over. And over again. For months, I saw this everywhere and anywhere that one finds targeted ads, which is, of course, anywhere and everywhere:

What the fuck is this??? Hmm?? Is there something about me that screams “heterosexual 30-something white man in the first 0-5 years of parenthood in need of a quick and easy breakfast”? How is it “breakfast for the whole family” when they are single-serving containers that could feed maybe two people at the most? What is this product, even? A microwaveable egg? I did not know you could do that and – no offense to you if that’s your preferred method – but there’s something about microwaving an egg in a little plastic tub that truly upsets me.

Simply put: I have so many questions. Why me? Why this? Why now? Why is “Jeff O’Donnell” eating his microwaveable egg on a dock by the ocean? Does the product come with an egg in it (gross) or do you have to add the egg (stupid)? I had to know more, so I went to the “Just Crack an Egg” website.

And it turns out, you have to add the egg yourself. First of all, that is kind of dumb, no? So your product is not a microwaveable egg so much as it is just a container in which to microwave an egg? I don’t know and I don’t understand. Second of all, the website is justcrackanegg.NET which is so bizarre to me! Why??????????? A network of what????? Thirdly, the website also says their products are “made with cage-free eggs”…..so there is egg in it already? But you also have to add an egg? WHY!!!

I will warn you: there is absolutely no point to this story. I have not bothered to come to some important conclusion. I have no clever moral, no satisfactory ending, no nothing. It is arguably not even a “story,” and yet here we are, wasting each other’s precious and unreturnable time away… So anyway, after some digging (read: scrolling to the bottom of the website), I found out this product is made by Kraft. They even seem to have some awareness of the icky-factor that is microwaving an egg, having paid a copywriter to string these words together: “Sure, microwaving fresh eggs is different. But it’s also delicious. Give it a try – sometimes, it only takes one bite to go from “weird” to “wow”.”

I may never know what crime I committed to make the algorithm show me this, but every time I crack an egg I will wonder…should I be microwaving this? And the answer will be no.

who does the internet think I am

stuff i’ve been watching

• I just finished The Witcher and enjoyed it (dare I say…better than game of thrones?? don’t come for me I don’t care enough).

• I watched The Matrix: Resurrections and I will be honest and say that I loved it completely down to my bones from the moment the WB logo went from normal to green code font. Oops! Now I am considering watching Sense8……………….yes or no?

• my friend recommended Yellowjackets so that might be next on the list.

• hearing/seeing great things about Abbott Elementary…also on the list.

• I am trying to read more plays! especially weird ones? ones that are non-linear or kind of surreal? do you know any of those??

• what have you been watching or reading???? I would love to know!!! please talk to me

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

I threw my back out last night. It hurt but I had to cut ties.

postscript

thank you for being here, as always. and for participating in today’s episode of “rose deletes all the months-old screenshots saved to her desktop.” I had fun and I hope you did too!

have a great week, pals.

byeeeeeeeeeeee!

happy holidays and happy new year!! I had a very chill nye and am having a cozy Saturday – wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re enjoying it, too.

thoughts on feeling corny

I’ve been staring at this photo for about an hour feeling kind of nauseated from my inability to decide how I feel about it: it’s a photo I took of a pink hibiscus with a big, blue, empty California sky as the backdrop. It looks like a Kacey Musgraves album cover and I am waffling between deeply hating it and kind of liking it so quickly that I am actually starting to get a little dizzy. For the record, I do love Kacey Musgraves – but the feeling I’m wrestling with is familiar to me and it’s the same feeling that always keeps me from sharing my work or even from creating it in the first place: it just feels so...corny. 

I’ve spent the last year mostly writing poems and taking 35mm film photos and trying desperately to escape from underneath the feeling that what I am creating is completely and totally corny. I mean...it’s writing poems and taking film photos? In New York City? Please. Come on!! As someone who grew up during the Great Hipster Reboot, it is hard for me not to judge myself as I sit down to type a poem on my typewriter next to my 1977 film camera in my (mom’s) apartment in Lower Manhattan. Inevitably, I was raised to scoff at that just a little, whatever that might say about me or how I was raised. 

But I want to break the feeling down into parts I can better understand because, truthfully, sometimes I kinda like what I’ve created and it’s only when I think about what someone else’s reaction might be that my insecurity has this particular shape and hunger. Sure, there might be something innately corny-feeling about those art forms these days, with or without me. But it’s rarely a critique I have of the artwork I consume: I rarely disengage simply because something is “corny.” In fact, I might like something because it is corny (a good rom-com? musical theater as a genre? John’s jokes? hehe just kidding). Or, I’ll turn it off because it’s just not good, but not necessarily because of its corniness – and it does feel like there’s a difference between “bad” and “not good” and “corny.” So I’m curious – why do I feel so uncomfortable with the idea of my being corny? Would it really be that terrible to be corny, and why?

I guess what I mean when I say “corny,” is that it feels too obvious or falls flat. It’s not just that it’s overdone, unoriginal, or saccharine; corny commits the crime of evoking no feelings at all, of doing nothing, of being less than boring somehow. It is the unrespected cousin of camp and the forgettable sibling of cheesy. I feel like while someone might be aiming for “camp,” or reaching for “kitschy,” or even intentionally “cheap” or “cheesy,” people rarely want their work to be considered “corny.” Where camp is about fantasy and extravagance, corny is perhaps about ease and familiarity. They are similarly sentimental, but camp maintains a legitimacy that corniness is not afforded. Where camp can be “real art,” corny usually falls short. 

I took this particular photo for a photography class this summer, and one of our tasks was to shoot the same object from many different angles/positions so we could see how that changes the lighting, the photo overall, how you feel about it, etc. The assignment was in service of experimentation, of familiarizing oneself with one’s instrument, of stepping outside of your typical point of view, of just learning something. It didn’t have to be for anybody but me and it certainly didn’t have to be for anything but my own edification. 

Every time we met for this workshop, our lovely teacher Bridget (hi Bridget!!) would give us the opportunity to share any of our photos with the group. I don’t think I shared anything until the last class. When I did, I asked her if she ever encounters this feeling, too, and what she does to deflate it. And she told me to just do the corny thing – what’s the worst that could happen? It will be okay. Nothing will explode. When you find yourself cringing in self-awareness, take a deep breath in and just admit it:

In the weeks since she gave me this advice, I’ve been trying to indulge myself in creation for the sake of itself, in making things that don’t have to be for anybody but me or for anything but my own edification. I’ve been trying to stop the is-it-corny self-judgment tailspin before it picks up too much steam. I’ve been trying to keep track of the things I find corny and when the fear of corniness arises. And maybe somehwere in all that data I will find there’s something about corniness that is worthwhile after all.

I had so many days in 2021 marked by a deep hopelessness. The future has been hard to believe in – not just in a personal way, but in a global/everybody/everything kind of way, too. At least for me, at least sometimes. And it wasn’t until I found myself crying alone in my apartment to a YouTube clip of the 1996 production of RENT that I considered maybe this is what corny can do for me: a little bit of ease and familiarity amidst the very strange and heartbreaking. Some release, some help processing the grief. And, of course – it’s so corny to say it – a touch of hope, too.

Now my ears perk up whenever I hear someone use the word. “It’s corny, but it works!” they’ll say, always trying to apologize for something or to permit themselves the transgression. I have so much shame for this idea, and for what? I hope going into the new year that I am able to let go of that shame because the truth is that the corny thing helps me sometimes. And if it helps me, I hope I let it. I hope I have the courage to stop judging myself, to take a deep breath in and just admit it.

john’s joke(s) of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall

Korn used to be my favorite band growing up until I went paleo.

I just downloaded Steve Bannon’s new iPhone app Conspiracy Siri.

postscript

have a wonderful and safe new year!

I have been putting together a little, um, book? collection? haphazard assortment of papers? that has a lot of the (corny) poems and photos I did this year. it will be ready soon……………..if that’s something your little eyeballs would enjoy I will let the coucou fam know when the time comes. I tell you this mostly to force myself to actually do it but also to give you time to run away as fast as you can.

okay love you bye!!

Greetings from this unseasonably warm October (yes, I know it’s November). Every night I am woken up by the tiny, incessant buzzing of a mosquito* and I never thought I would say this but – I am ready for the weather to get colder.

Today’s newsletter is different???? IDK…apparently I think I’m some kind of suburban mommy food blogger who has gotten really into throwing themed parties for absolutely no one? Hope you’re bored and hungry!

tv dinners

Have you ever craved a burger while watching Bob’s? Found yourself drooling at the weird meat-filled desserts on Great British Bake-Off? Wishing you could try some of Artie Bucco’s famous antipasti?

...Or is that just me?

When we finished the final few episodes of The Sopranos, we poured ourselves a big glass of chianti (yes we split one glass, get over it) and ate (gluten-free...get over it!!!) pasta with a homemade pork bolognese. At least once a week, John will make us some smashed cheeseburgers and we’ll put on an episode of Bob’s Burgers while we dine to our stomachs’ satisfaction. I find this act of matching what you’re eating to what you’re watching deeply gratifying and have – perhaps! – tied my fragile mental well-being a bit too closely to this activity. 

Nevertheless, it is everything to me and I need it to feel alive. Plus, I’m cooking a lot more than I used to and sometimes it gets…ugh. So I’ve thought of a couple more food-themed movie nights/movie-themed food nights if that’s your thing. 

(Side note just to say that I am on a Late 90s/Early 00s Movies Rewatch Extravaganza Journey so that is why all of these movies were made between 1998 and 2003 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Also, no, I haven’t tested all these recipes – I just know how to google stuff good, okay? They’re also not all “meals” or “work together” or whatever. I will not be taking complaints or requests to try harder at this time, thank you.)

Of course, you can always begin where I did – with some Sopranos and Bob’s inspo. 

The Matrix Trilogy

(all available on HBOMax)

I know this steak doesn’t exist – Filet mignon served with bearnaise sauce

Follow the white rabbit – roasted rabbit deglazed in a white wine and garlic sauce

The Oracle’s chocolate chip cookies

Ocean’s 11

(also on HBOMax)

IDK if y’all remember this cinematic experience, but Brad Pitt’s character, Rusty, is truly eating or drinking something in every! single! scene! in which he appears. It is excessive and has no obvious purpose and I…love it! Hollywood Insider 4-1-1 *flips hair*: most actors will do everything in their power to not have to actually eat the thing they are supposed to be eating in the scene. Unfortunately, I was unable to determine via internet sleuthing whether or not this bit was scripted or just Brad Pitt…being hungry? Fortunately, I was able to determine that he ate 40 shrimp while shooting one scene.

A buffet feast of everything Rusty eats in the movie – nachos, cheeseburgers, sorbet, tuna Nicoise salad, brown liquor, shrimp cocktail, lollipops, jelly beans…et cetera. Truly, so many options.

Miss Congeniality

(available on Netflix)

Special Agent Gracie Hart’s microwaveable TV dinner – get yourself some Amy’s or make a DIY version.

Miss New Jersey’s carrot sticks and donuts – do these things go together? We’re gonna pretend that they do. Live your true pageant fantasy.

Shrek

(available on Hulu)

I’m making WAFFLES! – obviously, duh, does not need explanation.

The Ogre Special – escargot with caramelized onions (you bet your ass I’m suggesting this and waffles at the same time! I’m an agent of chaos).

Dirt & Worms – you know that mommy blogger thing where you crush up a bunch of oreos in a clear cup and then put gummy worms in it so it looks like worms and dirt? Yeah do that. Yum!

There are a lot more ideas on this wonderful blog! That person is doing it for real and in a way that is appetizing…lol. I think this is silly, fun, and occasionally delicious and I’m curious if you’ve ever done this or have a fun idea!! Okay!

for the love of beans

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall

I stayed inside my apartment all weekend and ended up getting cabin fever. Let me tell you that is a really shitty movie.

postscript

*okay is it just me or is the mosquito thing bonkers??? why are they still around?????? it is November????? has it always been like this??? am I losing my mind??????????? HELP???

xoxoxo bye!!!!!!!!

I feel kind of awkward starting up again after all this time away. Although I suppose I always found a way to start these off with an apology, anyway. So as per tradition: oops my bad!!!!!!!!!

Glad you’re here, as always.

I’m going to do my best to just get this done and not judge it and send it out because for seven months I have been writing shit just to delete it and I think I would like to...not do that anymore. 

It keeps happening like this: I halfway write something for this newsletter intending to circle back to it later, and then when I do I find that I thoroughly hate whatever I wrote and by extension myself and also every thought and feeling I have ever had. It is unproductive and, um, no thank you. 

Well, sometimes I don’t hate it – I just can’t decide what I think about it, or if it is still relevant, or if it will make me seem pretentious or self-important (things I obviously worry about far too much). I will look at something and think, so far so good, and then mere hours later look at the same thing and think, good god what unself-aware asshole wrote this? And then even still, the next morning I will look at the same damn thing and think, actually...maybe it is fine?. And so on and so on until one is driven mad (which is what I am now). I suspect this reaction of mine is an obvious combination of being A Textbook Overthinker, existing in this current version of the internet/social media/media, and just having to be creative in the relative isolation of *this moment.* Perhaps, even, it is due to the fact that we all seem to be operating on very different versions of reality these days, and maybe I’m struggling to orient myself within that splintered world. 

It also boils down to this: I am just so tired of having thoughts. Just absolutely exhausted, honey!! Been feeling like I’d like to tap out of having a brain for a moment. Or at least, using it to do “big” “important” things. Just for, like, a second!! I would love to take a brief vacation from having a brain and a body and a consciousness. I would love to end the whiplash that comes in between worrying about having “enough” “career” “milestones” to impress people at my 10-year high school reunion next year and then whether or not the planet earth will continue to exist. I would love for the inside of my brain to just feel like the gay clubs on Chromatica night. Or like rolling around on the floor playing with a dog. Or cry-laughing at something your friend said that you won’t even remember in a week. Good, stupid, harmless fun. But I feel like I’ve settled in between worlds – trying to meditate while doomscrolling with the other hand. Instead, I feel like the inside of my brain looks like this:

Demented! Absolutely horrifying! And that’s being alive, baby! 

I put a lot of pressure on myself to try to make these into some sort of profound and complete cultural commentary that I have no business or expertise in (or desire to ?? lol this one’s for my therapist 😘) making anyway. (I think this is because I love Maybe Baby so much and that’s a lot of what Haley does there.) I want each newsletter to be a gorgeous, fully-realized little creature that pulls at everyone’s heartstrings and makes them piss themselves with laughter and think about being alive but in a cool/fun way (but has it ever done this lmao – note to self ask therapist!!). Which is silly because...this is just an email.

And yet, would you believe that I’ve been writing this little by little for a few days and I already feel that voice creeping up behind me saying, “Just delete it – it’s not good enough”?

Would you believe this is just an email?

(Would you believe this has taken me days to write lmaoooooo)

I am afraid that it is corny. I am afraid that it is stupid (or worse – offensive). I am afraid of taking myself too seriously, of bumming people out, of being misunderstood. 

I’ve been trying to edit some poems I’ve been writing and photos I’ve been taking and I’m experiencing a similar impasse: an inability to decide my own thoughts and feelings about my own thoughts and feelings. I think they’re corny and then I think they’re kinda good and then I think I am tired and then I turn on an episode of The X-Files and assume a mental fetal position. 

I am trying to be less precious about it. But it is difficult to want to be less precious with things in a world that feels increasingly more fragile and, well...precious.

some pictures i’ve taken that I may or may not like depending on what day it is

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

My coworker said the Irish can drink like a fish which offended me because I know a lot of good sober fish.

postscript

thanks for reading this little diary entry lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

love you hope you had a nice summer

bye!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m feeling some sort of winter ennui. Or maybe it is pandemic ennui. Or maybe it is whatever unrelated plague I have that is causing me to use the word ennui. 

In any case, this week le boredom has led me, as it always does, to Al Gore’s Internet, where I found a number of interesting and disturbing things. (I have written him a letter about the latter; I’ll let you know what he says.)

But of the former, I encountered something I had never seen before, and it set forth such a flurry of curiosity in my mind that I could not stop thinking about it all week: Mobula rays.

To be honest, I have never given rays of this sort much thought at all. Before last week, they mostly just brought to mind Steve Irwin (rip), New Jersey (no thanks), and the grandma from Moana (this one is good). But now…I see something else entirely.

It all started with this video:

I don’t know why the wretched Al-Gore-ithm presented me with this, but it did, and I am a new woman for it.

The video, like these ones, shows some mesmerizing footage of a school of rays somewhere in the tropical waters of this here blue marble. And, in particular, it shows this funny little habit they have of leaping out of the water and into the air. I was hypnotized by this creature’s grace underwater, which, of course, made the whole bellyflop charade all the more bizarre and hilarious. Scientists don’t know why Mobula rays jump like this. Scientists don’t actually know much about Mobula rays at all (the Wikipedia page is abysmally short). But some think these rays breach the surface to attract a mate, to get rid of parasites, or to communicate. My favorite explanation, though, is that they just do it for fun. I thought the whole thing was absurd and wonderful, like most things in nature.

But it was about 40 minutes down my YouTube wormhole that it really hit me: for a creature that exists, with this one exception, entirely underwater, always under that pressure, built for it – what must it feel like to leap into the air?

What freedom is that? And what does it mean if this is a Mobula ray’s idea of fun – if this is joy?

Imagine weightlessness! Imagine relief! Imagine what it all could mean!

Do they do it for the feeling of coming out of the water? Or for the feeling of returning to it? Is that what an astronaut feels when they escape the only gravity they’ve ever known? Or maybe the ray wants to feel gravity, is looking for it, maybe this is the only way to experience that pull that doesn’t exist underwater? Maybe the bellyflop feels good; maybe to a Mobula ray, it’s their version of getting someone to scratch that part of your back you can’t reach. If they can tell the difference between the air and the water, does that mean they understand what the ocean is, unlike those fish from that story? Is it the vibrations that are sent through the water when they hit the surface on the way back down? Do those vibrations say, “hello, ocean!” or “do not mess with me, ocean!”? Or, perhaps it’s just Dating 101: the higher the jump, the hotter the Mobula ray?

I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about what they’re thinking about. What are they thinking about?! Are they, like, gotta get me more of that AIR shit!! What does the air feel like on their cartilaginous, rubbery bodies? When our inflexible bones would snap in the depths of the ocean, their bodies defy their original intent in avian mimicry. The Mobula ray is entirely mystical and deeply comical to me, like if a shark wished to become a butterfly.

I couldn’t understand why, at first, I felt so compelled to watch these little* creatures leap forth from the ocean. But I spent hours doing just that, reading whatever I could find about them, stewing in my curiosity. I mean, one could reason this is just the way of the Internet and I fell down one of many rabbit holes trying to Avoid Real Obligations. But it felt like it was touching something deeper and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

It reminded me of a recurring dream I had in childhood, a sort of “flying” dream, in which I would leap, jump, simply and elegantly, from one location to the next. Like having pogo sticks for feet, but I’d go way up into the air, travel hundreds of miles within two bounds. It led me to the Wikipedia page for “pain in fish,” which does exist and contains the horrifying information that “veterinarians trained in the U.S. before 1989 were taught to simply ignore animal pain,” which made me wonder why we think pain and suffering make us exceptional. It reminded me how easy it is to project oneself onto an animal that has no ability to correct your assumptions.

Whatever the real reason for this behavior – in myself and in the Mobula ray – it was the act of wondering, I think, that reeled me in. It was the process of considering an interiority that wasn’t mine that felt so good. In this case, not knowing felt more fun than knowing, which is an exceptionally rare feeling in this life. Maybe there is no reason beyond that it is what their DNA instructs, and maybe I was drawn to them for exactly the same reason. Maybe the lesson is that there is never a lesson at the bottom of a YouTube wormhole.

But, at the very least, it made me pause and ask: what would it be like for me to leap forth, up and out of everything that is assumed and taken for granted, to leave it all behind, even just for a moment? What would I feel, what would my body do, and would it change the waters I swim in when I return?

texas orgs and mutual aid

vibes

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

I’ve been really trying to find my niche. I mean my niece. She’s missing.

postscript

I hope everybody is doing okay and staying warm :)

bye!

I mean, it’s been 2021 for a minute now, but I have yet to pop into your inboxes.

I hope everyone is doing okay and giving themselves a little break this week. But then next week???? Bitch, it’s back to work! LOL and I will be annoying about it, you neolib cucks, but for NOW…we celebrate :)

I have been finding myself praying, or whatever version of prayer is available to a non-believer. I am not a religious person, but it feels as though the world grows crueler every day, and I more helpless. What is a person – even a godless one – supposed to do? I find myself asking for help from an empty sky. I suppose it can’t hurt, right? On the off-chance that someone is listening, that something is there and would give a shit.

I haven’t wanted to fantasize or daydream about the future, really, since this all began. I think mostly because the future feels so absent and the task feels so futile and privileged. But more and more, I’ve noticed a collective urge growing. A playful whisper getting louder, saying, “Go ahead, fantasize!” All around me there are inklings of a dream, a lust for greener pastures, the brightness of fantasy poking through the dark clouds above. 

It’s all very far from being over, of course, but there is a restlessness beneath the surface. I think we’re all itching to Arrive at Our Destination, despite knowing how much longer the road really is. The feeling of today or this week might be of relief or a desire to quietly excuse ourselves, finally, to the other room and just not have to deal with it anymore. The problems aren’t gone, although, admittedly, it is nice to exhale and feel a little comfort, however short-lived. 

It can be difficult to engage in optimism or even simply in the exercise of imagining the future, with or without the rose-colored glasses, when the level of suffering is so high all around us. But I’ve been trying, at least, to form a vision of the future that generates a little bit of hope, even if on the most microscopic level: I picture the next dinner party with my friends inside without masks; being able to grab a peppermint out of the bowl as you leave the restaurant; seeing someone drop the contents of their purse on the sidewalk and being able to actually help them instead of standing there feebly staring with your hands bound by an invisible pathogen.

In a recent piece for The New Yorker, Rachel Syme talked about the vintage 1930s blue velvet cloak she bought herself mid-pandemic, the one she’s been visiting in her closet, “imagining the adventures [they] may have together when [she] can go to theatres and dark bars again.” She suspects that this habit of checking in with her abandoned clothes is symptomatic of something deeper: “I’m homesick for the city I live in, and I miss the clothing I already have.” Maybe this urge to fantasize is not about longing for something new, but for something to return, for something deeper and more meaningful with what is already there.

I have been finding myself praying, and I’m not sure why. When I was in a group therapy class a few years ago, we practiced what is called a “loving-kindness meditation,” where, essentially, you think of one person you care for, one person you feel neutral about, and one person who kind of…annoys you and, one at a time, you hold them in your mind’s eye and extend warm wishes in their direction by saying, “May this person be at ease. May they be content with their life. May they be joyful. May they feel safe and secure.” The idea is to cultivate empathy and a feeling of “social safety,” but I’ve also noticed it’s kind of a version of prayer. At least, it’s as close as I can get. I want to engage in a fantasy of the future that is not ignorant of our current suffering, but one that asks us to work hard and care for each other on our way to that better place.

Below is a kind of prayer, or wish, or meditation. For myself and for you, if you want it. A fantasy, simple and pure. A vision to keep pinned on the refrigerator.

Maybe a Year From Now

I’ll wake up in the morning feeling actually rested. 

It’s still early but since I’m so refreshed and reinvigorated it’s no problem at all. I linger in bed a moment – it’s cozy and warm with body heat but it’s not too hot either. I can tell that the weather is going to be nice before I even open my eyes; I can feel that the sun is out even with the shades drawn. 

I sit in the kitchen and drink my coffee and I don’t look at my phone at all. Maybe I read a book or I make a to-do list but I certainly do not look at my phone. It feels good to not even have the urge. 

On the way to meet some friends, I decide I ought to buy my tickets to the Superhero Franchise Midnight Premiere ahead of time. I don’t care much for The Franchise but I like to people-watch and eat popcorn and would never pass up the opportunity to do both at the same time. The people love to ooo and aaa and shout no, Chris Hemsworth, you exquisite fool! at the screen. There is a joy simply in being surrounded. 

When I arrive at my friend’s building in Yorkville, the doorman makes the same uncomfortable joke he always makes and I wait the necessary amount of time before returning an equally uncomfortable laugh and asking, “Which apartment is it again?”

I am transported by the laughter of my best friend which I can hear from down the hall. It lifts me, carries me the rest of the way into her arms. I am embraced by the smiles I have not seen in too long.

We drink wine, partake of finger foods, share a joint. Because we can.

Tonight, it’s bliss that steals the air from our lungs. Tonight, we stumble into crowded rows of movie theaters and fall asleep on velvet seats.

Reacquainted with ourselves, reunited with the world.

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

President Trump issued a handful of pardons on his last day in office including Steve Bannon, Lil Wayne, and Ashlee Simpson’s 2009 SNL performance.

postscript

I am so grateful that anybody at all wants to read this newsletter.

I hope that over the course of 2021 and now that I have been doing this for a lil bit, I can make this into something more consistent and less blog-post-y and with fewer phrases like “neolib cucks.” (I say this here only to hold myself accountable and, um, to test my powers of manifestation.) 2020 was The Year Of The Newsletter imho in the sense that a lot of people started newsletters (rose@me.com lol 👀) and I, personally, started actually reading and subscribing to newsletters. I love Maybe Baby by Haley Nahman so much, but I don’t think I’m capable of that kind of introspective personal essayship on a weekly basis; I love Sam Irby’s hilarious daily-ish newsletter in which she just recaps Judge Mathis episodes and talks about good snacks; I’m reading Cat Cohen’s funny and distinctly millennial poetry; Luke O’Neil’s frustrated takes on this Hell World we live in; I’m even delighting in witnessing Hunter Harris parse through the insane crockpot of shit that is pandemic-era Hollywood gossip. They’re all different, unique, and precise…adjectives I’m not sure I would use to describe Coucou!

…Yet!

So I’d like to invite you on this journey with me as I (continue to) discover “the voice” of this newsletter, or whatever, and maybe also if you’re like, “I like when you share poetry,” or, “I like when you actually send any email at all,” or, “Unsubscribe,” or other helpful feedback, please let me know. I so often find myself making the assumption that nobody wants to hear from me, and I am working on that.

THANK YOU for being here!! I hope this is and will continue to be an enjoyable experience for you. As always, I’m on the other end of that reply button if you wanna chat <3

byyyyyyeeee!!!!!!

Share Coucou!

This has become one of my least favorite questions to ask or be asked because the answer has been the same for nine months now, but alas here I am about to ask it: how are you? 

(For the record, the answer is: “fine but bad haha but I mean it could be worse even though it already sucks pretty hard?? but you know...fine, I guess.”)

It’s been a while, so I thought I’d check-in.

I, for one, keep half-writing a newsletter, and then in the 5 to…45 days it takes me to finish it, I realize it has become completely irrelevant and painfully annoying to read. And that’s exactly what happened with this one. So…………………………………enjoy!

We’re already q̶u̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶f̶e̶w̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶s̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ lol um most of the way through?? December which feels aggressive if I’m being totally honest. When I started writing this, it was December 3rd and now I am almost 40. Anyways!!

This is usually the time of year when I stop pretending to “live in the present” and just start plotting and scheming and daydreaming for the year ahead. ‘Tis the season of Spotify Wrapped playlists and 1 Second Everyday videos and New Year’s resolutions! We get to reflect on the past and plan for the future and do our best to ignore the present. But this year, for so many painfully obvious reasons, it hits just a little different. 

Every other year of my life it’s felt like nothing really counts during this month, you know? Like, December is to America what August is to Europe. We all just get to half-ass it, no questions asked. And usually, occupying that liminal space between What Was and What Will Be is kind of fun – a neat thought experiment (what do you want to achieve next year?) and an opportunity to reinvent yourself (who am I going to be this time?). December is a grey area. December is an OOO auto-response email. December is the cheat day of the year. Or at least, it was. 

But we’ve kind of been doing exactly that for the last nine months – desperately attempting to distract from the present, occupying a purgatory in which time has lost its usual meaning, living in an endless cheat day. Assuming, of course, you’re one of the lucky ones. We’ve been trapped in this space between the past and the future for so long that the pleasure we usually come here in search of has withered like the piece of rotted mystery fruit at the back of the fridge. It doesn’t feel right to move through the end of the year how I did before. Those same questions I’m used to asking myself when this season is upon us – what do you want to achieve? and who are you going to be? – feel so deeply pointless right now. Maybe they always were, but after everything this cursed year has brought us, now they sound truly absurd. How do you plan for a future that feels so unplannable? What version of the world would you even plan for? What could I possibly want and how would I even get it? Is it even morally acceptable to want anything at all for myself right now? Where has this year even gone and dear god where will the next year take us? 

Last year, my 2020 ~goals~ were to work on being on stage on my own (mk), to become more of an optimist (lol), and to spend more time with my friends (LOL). There is a part of me that is scared of setting a resolution at all lest it somehow curses me and robs me of the very thing I set my heart to (because, of course, it would). (See below.)

To think back on what we were doing around this time last year is to engage in a cringe-worthy exploration of just how wrong we all turned out to be and just how far off the rails it feels like we are. And yet here I am, thinking about what I was doing this time last year. My body craves the self-reflection but is distressed by what I find staring back at me: I’d been prepping for events that were canceled, booking performers for shows that never happened, working on characters for a showcase at a theater that doesn’t exist anymore, blocking a show we’d worked on for months that never went up and never will. I was thinking about quitting my work-from-home contract gig for a salaried 9-5 in an actual office. I thought I’d have another full year in Chicago performing on the stages I love with the people I love. I’d just started bullet journaling in an attempt to “lifehack” my “career goals” or whatever. And that’s just the, like, “fun,” “light-hearted” “career”-related stuff I thought wouldn’t be too depressing to remind people of. There are so many more important things we lost or never got to do this year.

Over the last nine months, I have given so much mental space to the Things That Never Came To Be in 2020 – all those projects and resolutions and goals I had set that turned to dust overnight in the middle of March, right as we were getting going. I think doing so was part of a grieving process, and a necessary one, but now I’m sitting here on the cusp of a new year and wondering how productive it is to continue doing. I’m realizing how silly and dumb and cursed, frankly, last year’s resolutions feel in retrospect that I’m having a hard time knowing what to do this time around. These resolutions are almost always achievement-oriented, career-related, or having to do with socializing, all of which, you know...isn’t really applicable or doable in ~these times~. Why set yourself up to fail? We are not sure what the future will look like, and even a future with a vaccine will come with a lot of rules and restrictions. So, if there’s even a point to or possibility of either of these, how do we self-reflect productively and how do we adjust for this unknowable future?

I’m writing this, honestly, because I’m struggling to answer that question. For the last few days and weeks I’ve been uncertain about how to navigate going into the new year. I simply have no fucking clue what to do with myself! I usually like this time of year and the process of reflection but this time is so different for so many reasons. I haven’t decided how to feel about it and I thought by the end of writing this, I might have a better idea. I can hear the fear and hesitation in my words; I sense the sentiment of “well, we don’t know what it’s going to be like yet…so why bother?” But there’s another tiny voice, somewhere in the back of my head, that is telling me this is no longer serving me. Why not pivot from What Never Was to What Could Be?

In the famous words my therapist uses every single session, I think 2021 is the year to “unhook from the pressure.” By that I mean…well I’m not really sure and if I knew then my therapist wouldn’t say it to me every week. But what I think it means is that we have to detach from the “shoulds” and the “supposed tos,” to release the guilt that so easily finds its way into our enjoyment of things. I think it means a willingness to make mistakes and to not view those mistakes as The End, or to resist the implication that a mistake Implies Something about you and your worth. 2021 is the year to make mistakes because 2020 was the year that wouldn’t even let us even try. Fuck it! And do everything with that mentality – the “fuck it” one – that says this is for me because I want to and I love it. I know so many people who are trying something new and doing it for themselves and I find that very fun and inspiring! It’s not for money or for likes or whatever it’s just because it’s fun and they like it. An old teammate of mine is making full-sized furniture after picking up woodworking in April. My friend Julia is getting into “aquascaping,” which is a word I had never heard before this and find very soothing. My sibling has picked up painting. I mean, shit, look at this gorgeous pottery that Seth Rogen has made this year!

I don’t mean to sound like, “if you’re not doing something extremely fun and creative and new right now and if you’re not immediately talented at it YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.” No. Nor am I suggesting you become a selfish ass who does whatever they want without considering anybody else. In fact, that is never what I am suggesting. I am not trying to frame this like, “pick up a new hobby that you can monetize over quarantine,” or “pivot to an industry that still exists so you can hit the ground running when ‘real life’ ‘comes back.’” No! That is the opposite of what I am trying to say. I am saying that is the default of our culture – to infuse pressure and obligation into things that should just be enjoyable for the sake of themselves. To cull A Brand™️ out of one’s existence. To demand that your every thought and waking breath be devoted to furthering your career and your material resources and blah blah blah capitalist scam.

I guess what I’m saying is find some way to have fun. Go seek joy for yourself. UNHOOK FROM THE PRESSURE, ROSE. (I’m talking to myself). This year has forced me to reprioritize. It has also liquefied my brain. Which is why I’m struggling so hard to conclude this “essay,” but I think the point of all this rambling is that while I’ve felt sad and anxious and horrified so many times this year, I’ve also felt like I was forced to “unhook” in some ways simply because there wasn’t anything to hook into. (Does this make any sense? I’m so sorry.) I’m still not entirely sure how much to expect out of next year, but I know there’s no predicting it, and that there’s no point getting ahead of ourselves. I wonder, no matter what happens, if I can continue to engage with life but unhook from the pressure.

a “gift guide”

is it way too late for this? almost definitely! but here it is anyway: some cool stuff from some cool people I know! i’ve just been keeping a list on my phone of friends/orgs I follow who I see are selling stuff – this list is by no means “comprehensive” or “well-researched”.

buy yourself something nice, sweetheart!

• polymer clay earrings by my friend amy! check out her etsy shop

• these cool t-shirts by my friend megan! long-sleeve and short-sleeve available here.

  

• moe’s collection of poems - all the proceeds go to brave space alliance, a wonderful Chicago-based org working on behalf of queer and trans folks, especially POC!

• buy books online from Semicolon, a black woman-owned bookstore and gallery in Chicago!

• t-shirts (sick), a $300 chair (whaaat), cocktail kits (yum), prints (art), etc. benefitting the grocery run club, another very cool community-driven effort in Chicago!

• totes and tie-dye t-shirts (and customized clipboards if you’re a #girlboss!!) from the fridge girls, an incredible group of 4 Latinas working to bring food security to the Bronx, Uptown, and Harlem. I am so impressed and inspired by what these folks are doing - like, I literally visit their website at least twice a week, I’m obsessed!! their products support small, BIPOC-run businesses as well as the network of community fridges they operate. (what’s a “community fridge”?)

if you’ve got something to spare

Trans Housing Coalition

Indigenous Mutual Aid

Find your local food bank

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

North Dakota has the highest COVID-19 mortality rate in the world. South Dakota is just below it.

post script

happy holidays, pals! if that’s ur thing :)

shoutout to my boy andy ross!!!

tbh i’m editing this email and rereading as I write and i’ve already noticed like three unfinished sentences and in the list below I originally (accidentally) wrote the same thing three times. so obviously, i’ve been stoned since tuesday. that’s the truth, baby!!!!! the world is chaos!!!!!!!!!

things I am distracting myself with

1. writing this email

2. the new season of bob’s burgers

3. eating a burger while watching bob’s burgers

4. eating spaghetti while watching the sopranos

5. texting my friends who have dogs to see how their dogs are doing

6. buying plants for my apartment at the farmer’s market

7. using a typewriter to write poems and pretending I am old and fancy

8. eavesdropping on strangers

9. this guy on instagram

10. gerald and his vegetables

11. this poem about a yellow coat

12. the way hank green is kind of losing it on twitter but in a fun way? (or maybe I am just projecting)

13. reading my old roommate’s new book of poetry

14. these

15. bake/eat gluten-free apple crisp (shout for the recipe)

16. window swap, a website where you can look out other people’s windows (I find this very soothing)

17. thinking about finally leaving instagram

18. exercise, lol??

19. cooking semi elaborate dinners like for example last night we made like a duck pot pie and it was great and took up time and that’s what we’re looking for, FOLKS

20. going through stuff I wrote/notebooks from like 1st-7th grade. so far i’ve found a “novel” (it is maybe 15 pages) about a witch child (very original at the time), a drawing of a pentagram (?), and several poems about birds (very girl-from-Hereditary vibes!)

it would seem I am on a bit of a poetry kick at the moment (did you notice?)

I have been writing on a typewriter which I have never done before! it’s cool and very different actually?? maybe I am dumb for not knowing that but UM yeah it’s neat. anyway wanted to share one of the things I wrote this week and I wanted to show you the actual paper that came out of the typewriter. sorry not sorry for the mistakes - I think it looks kinda cool?

before we left Chicago, we did a little roundabouttown and took some soon-to-be award-winning photos in front of the abandoned buildings we most loved as a way of saying goodbye

so enjoy these pics of john standing in places only some of you are familiar with in lieu of a joke this week (sorry!!!! but um yeah there’s no joke this week)

hang in there, everybody!!!!!!!!

[Insert standard greeting about how long it has been and how time is meaningless and life is a waking nightmare]

The tl;dr version of the last five weeks of my life: we packed up our apartment and our lives to move out of Chicago only to have our plans thwarted by fate when the car (aka our means of getting ourselves across the country) got hit by another car (everybody was okay except madam subaru) thus making it undriveable, and we ended up staying in Chicago a little while longer, and we only just arrived in New York on Monday. AH LIFE, SHE LOVES THOSE TWISTS AND TURNS!!

A BRIEF MEMO FOR NEW YORK FOLKS:::

Early voting starts TODAY, Fri 10/23. (Your early voting location might be different than your regular polling location so double check here!) If you haven’t already voted in person or by mail, consider THIS -> VOTE BIDEN/HARRIS ON THE WORKING FAMILIES PARTY LINE!

Okay, anyways

We finally made it to New York and that’s neat :)

I don’t have much else to say. Truthfully, we’ve been in this weird limbo state for about a month (on top of the “weird limbo” that is already this entire year) of just living out of our suitcases and not knowing which box anything is in and not being in our own space. And my brain is kind of just now coming back into the real world. I keep sitting down to write my to do list but three days have gone by and I still don’t have a to do list. I’ve been exclusively thinking about or dealing with the logistics of moving since late August that I seem to have forgotten there are other things to think about and do. I’m only just now realizing it’s the end of October right now as I type this? Jesus fucking christ. Okay.

Hope everybody is hanging in there, and I hope the next time you hear from me that my brain will be fully functional again.

vive la révolution!

Election *season* is upon us. I am trying to get in the habit of saying “election season” and not “election day” because as we all KNOW and are THRILLED ABOUT, we will likely not know the results of the election on November 3rd.

Im sure y’all are, as I am, if anything, over informed. Isn’t it delightful to be constantly aware of every single injustice the world over? I sleep so well at night!

Anyway, again, me brain mush! So here are some people who are smarter than me who I’ve been listening to and who are trying to have an optimistic outlook on *this whole thing* and I have found that helpful/interesting.

Anand Giridharadas - his Twitter is pretty great and recently he made some corporate business babies cry their wittle pants off and I actually love that and aspire to that level of fuck-you-and-your-blood-money. His conversation with former MA Governor Deval Patrick below is fascinating!

I’m still listening to and appreciating The Benjamin Dixon Show, and in particular, this conversation with Jonathan Smucker:

Okay and then I’ll just leave this here:

to spark joy

gerald and his vegetables

Packing and Unpacking by Samantha Irby, as part of The Last Normal Day series

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

Bicyclists must be pretty insecure people – always going for those high fives when they turn but never getting one.

post script

I guess I’ll either go make my to do list and revive my sanity, or I’ll go watch the new Borat movie and toss what’s left of my sanity in the garbâge?????? Stay tuned.

okay bye friends!

We leave Chicago in seven days. We’ve barely started packing but that’s okay because I have a spreadsheet. And that’s 90% of the job as far as I can tell. Right??????????? Yes. Okay, thanks for your help!

This time, the move is really really for real (whether we’re packed or not). Every single year I’ve lived here I’ve proclaimed, “I think I’ll move back east in the spring.” I never expected to be here in Chicago for 4 years. HA I mean, truthfully, if you had told me when I graduated college that I would live in the midwest for a total of 8 whole years I would have glared my bitchiest glare at you and then silently wept on the 151 all the way home. I told myself from the very beginning that I’d only stay for one year. And so when the end of that year came, I thought, okay, time to move home to New York. I told all my friends (my iO level 3 class) that I was leaving, I quit my job, my sister who I was living with at the time found new roommates, my mom made plans to fly out and drive the Uhaul back home with me. I even booked a Saturday night slot at The Crowd (RIP) to host a “goodbye” show. And then, two weeks before I was supposed to depart, mere days before my mom was to fly out and help me move, I changed my mind.

I remember sitting with my sister in our apartment in Buena Park, making a pros and cons list, trying to reason with the conflict I was having. Ultimately, I stayed because once I left the job that was sucking my soul out of my asshole, things actually started to feel a lot better. I stayed because when my dad and step-mom saw my barely-two-months-old sketch team in a Tuesday 11 pm show with about 5 audience members in a theater built to hold 150, their only review was, “You should keep working with these people.” I stayed because a lot of people – and my gut – told me I should stay, and I figured New York would still be there when I was ready for it.

And it is, and now the moment has come. Albeit, under very different circumstances. People keep telling me, “it’s not the same New York you grew up in,” like THAT’S gonna make a lick of difference to me. It’s NEW YORK, motherfucker!! And also…does anywhere stay the same over decades and generations? Would you want it to? Is anything the same as it was a mere 7 months ago? No. So whatever. I know that the place I am walking into is both familiar and unfamiliar, that I haven’t lived there since I was 18, that it will be different. But knowing that doesn’t make me any less excited.

I keep trying to get myself to feel certain specific feelings about leaving – teary-eyed sadness and nervous reluctance, or something like that. But the truth is I think I just feel ready. We said our goodbyes to a lot of our friends this past weekend, and, of course, it’s very sad (and weird, under the circumstances) to say goodbye – but not the kind of sad I was expecting, and I know I’ll cross paths with these people again. As we finish (*ahem* begin) packing and saying our goodbyes in these last several days, I’ve become very aware of my gratitude for this place and these people. I’ve grown to love Chicago and the comedy community here I’ve been lucky enough to be a part of. It’s funny, really, that in my first year here I produced the goodbye show I’ll never get to have now.

It’s kinda nice to have one little thing in this universe that is not making me worried and insanely stressed out right now (yet??????). I’m going to hold onto that readiness, and then I’m gonna take that readiness and put it in a suitcase along with the rest of my stuff.

biker helps koala climb over a rock

I know that I have seen this before

But every time it reappears

I cannot look away:

The biker stops to help

Pulls over on the side of the road

Offers a hand

But the creature is stuck

Is scared

Who is this man? 

So, he persists

Does what he can to say 

without words

A friend

And the creature is in need

And takes the lift

A boost, a little help

Up and over, problem solved

Risk ends in reward

And the creature turns back

As if to say

without words

Thank you

And the man gets back on his bike

And the creature climbs up the rock

And they are both gone.

I have seen this before but I watch it again now

I can’t help it and I cannot look away

For I, too

am a creature stuck

And in need

Of a push

Or a helping hand

Wondering if it will come to me

Pulled over on the side of the road

Asking myself to be brave enough

To accept the risk

If it does.

vive la révolution!

Are you registered to vote?

Yesterday, I received the absolutely earth-shattering news that my application to be a poll worker has gone from “Unverified” to “Pending.” EEEE!!!!! Very exciting. Can’t wait to find out the results. Interested in becoming a poll worker? Click here! It’s so easy and you could GET PAID!

I’d love to draw your attention to these pivotal senate races because sorry but imho Amy McGrath ain’t winning shit. Please donate or spread the word! Do you know people in these states? Tell them about these candidates!

Mike Espy, MS.
MJ Hegar, TX.
Dr. Barbara Bollier, KS.
Theresa Greenfield, IA.
Jon Ossoff, GA.
Steve Bullock, MT.
Al Gross, AK.

ON A RELATED NOTE, my friend Hannah is selling some very fun and cute embroideries on Etsy and the proceeds will go towards these very senate races!! Delightful! Now you can donate AND decorate your home!

Hannah's Etsy Shop

to spark joy

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

I diagnosed myself with Attention Deficit Disorder because I constantly feel like I’m not getting enough attention.

postscript

Please congratulate me on the fact that this email does not begin with nor contain an apology. I did it?????? Incredible.

I hope you all are doing okay. I, myself, waffle between screaming, begging strangers to kill me, and giving myself “don’t give up” pep talks in the mirror. So, good luck to us all!

Take care of yourselves and others :)

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mentally, I am here:

Sorry if my attitude was a little abrasive earlier. It’s just that Everything is Horrifying!!!!!!!! Being away was nice and then it was over. As soon as I touched the ground in Chicago, I was whisked up into the tornado of CurrentEvents™ and promptly spit back out on my ass. I am all too aware of how useless this sentence feels at this point but: last week was rough. I feel like I am now and for the next um forever Officially Losing My Fucking Shit. I feel like we are approaching a black hole’s point of no return????? Love to see it!!!

I am trying to stay positive and engaged and to channel my scaredshitlessness into action but also – and I mean this with every fiber of my being – what the fuck? What the actual fuck? But what the FUCK though?? What is happening? What is this shit fucking garbage fire piss shit reality we are in?? Hm????? Can everybody just fuck off like this is the worst possible everything!!!

*******exhales so deeply my body deflates like i’m an above the influence commercial*******

I’m sorry for cursing so much but absolutely every waking moment is devastating and THAT’S a fact. To be horrifyingly honest, I really truly grew up with the vague understanding that, like, my grandkids or great-grandkids or some shit would have to deal with the whole apocalyptic-dystopian-uninhabitable future whatever. That – to begin with – is pretty fucked up, y’all! But now I’m sitting here like, wait a fucking minute… I never thought that I, ME, myself would have to deal with it. Let alone before the age of 30?? Are you kidding me! Now that’s fucked up.

Anyways! It’s fine I’m fine. I mean, nothing is and I am not, but you know what I mean. Ahahahahahahahahahahahah ahaha ha um. fuck.

vive la révolution!

This is an interactive project from HuffPo that dives into practical alternatives to policing and calling the police. I haven’t clicked through it all, but I thought it was helpful and thorough. I want to dive deeper into resources like this because I want to know what to do for myself and others in emergency situations – lmk if you come across any other useful links!

some things i’ve been enjoying

1. Read a Book with Kara - This is a book club (duh!) organized and facilitated by Kara Brown, an extremely cool, LA-based writer who I saw in college give a full-length and incredible lecture about Beyoncé that changed me. Every month they pick a book (again, duh!) and at the end of the month, she facilitates a little YouTube Live chat with two other incredibly cool and brilliant people. I like this book club because the main focus “is to remind you that others exist in a true, deep way.” Like, the reading list is not anti-racism, textbook-feeling books, it is stories with the goal of stirring empathy. Plus the guests are truly so very cool!!!

   The first month, they read Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston and she had the ever-fabulous Janet Mock (YES) and the hilarious writer Samantha Irby (I KNOW!) on to discuss. I have not yet even read that book and I found the whole hour-long conversation to be FASCINATING!! This month, I actually bought and read the book and I’m so looking forward to watching the discussion that happened over the weekend with Aminatou Sow and Doreen St. Felix. Highly recommend.

2. These three sweet abandoned kittens my mom’s neighbor found!!! If you live around NY and are looking for a cat, they still need homes! I mean, look at this cuddle puddle!

3. We started watching The Sopranos and holy cannoli do I love a tri-state-area-Jewish-or-Italian accent. Youse bettah believe it, muddafUhckah!!

4. Soaking up my last 30 days in Chicago and hanging out (safely) with friends in the park across the street.

5. This newsletter from Samantha Irby. I, for one, have subscribed to like 30 fucking newsletters over the last month, and this was one of them. Every once in a while she sends a longer email with lots of stuff like book/tv recs and fave snacks, but every weekday she sends a little mini letter called “who’s on judge mathis today?” and it propels me through the workday. It’s literally exactly what it sounds like and her recaps are a hilarious, fun, short break in my day.

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

Went to Whole Foods when it was really busy and felt like I was waiting outside of a nightclub. 

“Step up. You two – come on in... Sorry sir, we are at max capacity.” 

“Really?? I know Jimmy who works in seafood.”

postscript

Hope everybody is doing okay in this hellscape we call America!! If you need me I’ll be Losing My Shit in between rewatching episodes of Legend of Korra and eating pancakes at whatever time of day I please. Bye!!!!

I am writing to you from upstate New York. I came out to surprise my mom for her birthday – the reveal itself went a little wonky but she was surprised and that’s what counts! I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that I’m able to be here. And it’s nice to slow down and spend time with family if you are able to.

Since March, I’ve felt any inkling of joy or peace or contentment be swiftly followed by feelings of guilt and shame and self-doubt. The feelings beckon me into a thought spiral: if your outward presentation is not miserable under these circumstances, then what kind of assumptions will people make about me? Will they think I don’t care or I’m not paying attention? Or, perhaps regardless of what they think, does it actually make me a Bad Person to have a flickering moment of Feeling Okay (Or Dare I Say Happy) when so many others are suffering? Is Feeling Okay in and of itself an indication that you are not doing enough, that you have neglected your morals?

Of course, elsewhere in my brain, I know that this is not really how it works. It’s just a reaction born from the understanding that, for the most part, we tend to reach for shame and punishment more than we reach for compassion and empathy. I think that in order to get back out there tomorrow, I have to take care of myself today. I know I have a tendency to view things as my fault even if they are not. My brain still defaults to the binary good-evil that so deeply saturates American culture, even if I don’t believe in that anymore. Also, I think we are not really meant or built to consume this much fucking information and news all the time. Like, we did not necessarily evolve to be able to handle this constant barrage of nonsense!

I’m trying to shift my thinking in a lot of ways these days. I feel already so different than I was at the beginning of March – my understanding of the world has expanded, knowing there is so much more room to grow and so many ways to participate. There are so many things to divest from and to question, and just as many things to nurture and discover. For now, I am trying to push my thinking this way: my joy, so long as it does not eclipse the joy or well-being of others, is a net-positive for this world. It facilitates my participation and assistance, rather than rendering it moot. The world I’d like to see reaches for compassion and empathy more than it does shame and punishment, and I need to apply that to myself as well.

So, on that note, I shall give in to the respite and the contentment with which this moment rewards me. I am surrounded by dogs and endless seltzer and sunshine, and it’s a-okay to enjoy it for a little while.

this is not my mom’s house but it’s nice isn’t it?????

vive la révolution!

Activists and protestors clashed with police again in Chicago this weekend. This photo thread below is excellent and gives a basic timeline of what happened that day. Much like that story I told you about my experience at the protest downtown on May 30th, protestors were “kettled” and many were beaten, pepper-sprayed, or arrested.

Like I said last week, Chicago officials have done nothing at all to address the demands we’ve been marching for since the end of May, not even the minor advancements that other cities have adopted. On Sunday, 8/10, I went to a march/rally where I heard aldermen and organizers who have been working in Chicago for years describe the extent to which their voices have been ignored or betrayed.

They’ve been trying to create CPAC – the Civilian Police Accountability Council – for eight years. Currently, civilian complaints about police misconduct are investigated by COPA, or the Civilian Office of Police Accountability. You say “are those…not the same thing?” so here’s the scoop: they are not the same fucking thing! The head of COPA is appointed directly by the mayor. Former members of CPD can work on COPA’s staff if they’ve been out of CPD for at least 5 years. COPA has no power over the police superintendent, members of the police board, or members of the CPD. They don’t even have final authority over CPD policy or disciplinary action – they only make recommendations. They also do not investigate any complaints concerning sexual misconduct by members of the CPD (allegations of this kind are investigated by the CPD’s own Bureau of Internal Affairs). I think this is because COPA’s “investigative jurisdiction” is determined by some municipal code but ??? Regardless. This is how I gather it (generally) works from having read the COPA website: a civilian complaint is brought to COPA, they investigate, they “determine whether allegations of police misconduct are well-founded,” if and only if they conclude that the allegations are “well-founded,” their investigation is then reviewed by…the Chicago Police Department. It could also be reviewed by the Chicago Police Board (appointed by the mayor), and the Superintendent of the CPD (appointed by the mayor). Ultimately, no matter what COPA’s investigation concludes, it is CPD’s sole responsibility to enforce any recommended discipline.

CPAC, on the other hand, would be a council directly elected by the people, with the ability to hire and fire the superintendent, oversee COPA investigations, have final authority over CPD policy, and more.

Like I said, they’ve been trying to get CPAC enacted for years. At the rally last Sunday, Alderman Ramirez-Rosa of Ward 35 described part of the problem they’ve been having: the last time they voted on this issue, at least 9 of his fellow alderpeople said they would vote alongside him in favor of CPAC. But then when they voted, as always, starting with Ward 1, one by one he saw all of the people who said they would stand with him vote against him. And by the time they got to his ward (35) he was the only one who voted yes in favor of CPAC. This is just part of what these activists, representatives, and communities are up against. The fight has been long and difficult, but there are so many incredible organizers and folks working tirelessly to make this happen, among other demands. Budget season in Chicago is September/October, and the time for change is now.

If you live in Chicago and want to support CPAC, you can contact the Mayor, or your alderman, or click here for more info.

guess who, bitch?!? (Original photo by Erin Hooley for the Chicago Tribune - “Ald. Byron Sigcho-Lopez, 25th, speaks to demonstrators.”)

This is an excellent link roundup of pieces written by Black women about Kamala. (From Phil Lewis’ newsletter “Per My Last Email.”)

Happy DNC week lol

if you’ve got something to share

Beloved NYC abolitionist, freedom fighter, and tireless comrade in the struggle for Black trans liberation, Lady O, is fundraising for long-term housing.

Disaster relief for Beirut, including local and international NGOs.

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

My friend is a professional house sitter but since the pandemic, he’s just been working from home.

postscript

Thanks for sticking around for a longer one. Hope all is well wherever you are, and that you’re staying safe and fighting the good fight however you can.

Now, I’m going to go lay in a hammock.

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbuh-BYYYYEEEEEE!!!!!!

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I did not write a newsletter last week and this one is late and I’M SORRY even though you probably didn’t notice unless you are my mom (hi mom!!). I made a whole list of excuses to give you and even though WHO CARES I’m going to give them to you anyway:

1. Ahahahahahha 

2. WHO CARES!!!!!!

3. I am tired

4. So fucking tired

5. And I have developed full-body eczema (!)

6. That last part is not a joke

7. I mean none of it is a joke but

8. I wish I was kidding

9. Never in my life have I had eczema before

10. Until three weeks ago when it took over my entire being

11. It fucked up my sleep schedule HORD

12. And sitting down to write felt dumb

13. Because all I could think about was how itchy I was

14. Idk my body is rejecting 2020

15. Perhaps I am allergic to BEING ALIVE!!!!

I am doing a little bit better now and am seeing a doctor today, thank you for maybe asking yourself in your head. And no, it’s not “COVID rash.” 

I’ve been focused on healing and distraction. I spent this past week mostly slathering creams on my skin and watching Rupaul’s Drag Race season 6. I have stopped eating gluten and dairy and sugar and drinking coffee, which is a bummer, but on the plus side I’ve perfected this cassava flour pancake recipe and now I eat pancakes for breakfast and sometimes dinner and also dessert (never lunch!!). I have even done a couple of enemas (I am now the proud owner of my very own “enema bucket” thank you very much!! AMA). I slept a lot because for very scientific reasons I figured sleep would help my skin somehow (yes this makes sense??). But also (with the exception of the last two nights thank god), I did not sleep through a single night for the last two weeks. (I am sure many of you have been experiencing that yourself, rash or not.) Needless to say, it’s been a fuckin’ party y’all!!!!!

Anyway, the more I talk/think/write about this stupid fucking thing the itchier I feel, so I’ll just leave it at that. Just know that I will spend this week watching Drag Race season 8 and then season 5 and then All-Stars season 2 and season 5 and also all of Untucked. If you’ve got recommendations for other distractions, I’d love to know.

vive la révolution!

I wanna talk about Chicago for a second. Not sure what you’ve heard, but I’m sure it’s probably not the whole picture.

I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that I understand exactly what is happening here. I don’t. And I know it’s not being presented very accurately, either. But in any case, this is my understanding: On Sunday, police officers shot a 20-year-old black man (who is recovering but was arrested and is being held on $1 MILLION bond) in Englewood. The community mourned and gathered in anger, and in response, the mayor sent approximately a fuckton CPD officers to the neighborhood and tensions escalated. Late Sunday evening, stores in the Loop, around the Magnificent Mile, and along the Clybourn corridor were “looted.” CPD arrested about 100 people downtown. There were other protests and marches and rallies on Sunday, and as far as I have read, were all completely separate from the “looting” that took place.

(I hate calling it “looting” because I think that word has strong implications but I don’t know what else to call it hence the “snarky air quotes.”) (I have seen posts/articles suggesting that folks in Englewood “sent” people to “destroy” downtown as retaliation for the shooting. I’ve seen folks suggesting that the protestors left their rallies to “loot.” Worth noting for those who don’t know that Englewood, the Lincoln Park protest I went to on Sunday, and where all the “looting” took place are all pretty fucking far from each other!! I can’t even get them on the map at the same time.)

This image alone should make it incredibly clear that the actions taken by the mayor and CPD are only meant to protect certain people and certain neighborhoods (re: rich, white). Chicago is HUGE, and the South and West sides are wildly over-policed and under-resourced.

I see scenes like this and I honestly don’t feel bad at all. For what? The MOD Pizza? Um, no. The reason I don’t feel bad at all is that I know it’s just glass and shit that can be fixed or is insured. And also because I know exactly where this is. It’s by North/Clybourn where iO (the comedy theater) is/was/lays in her grave. This neighborhood today is mostly empty stores and chain restaurants, even before COVID. But this neighborhood used to be affordable housing. And there were black and brown families who lived there, and those literal thousands of people were displaced so that an enormous Forever 21 could sit empty 99% of the fucking time. So no, I don’t feel bad about the damage this neighborhood faced over the weekend. I do, however, feel bad about the damage that neighborhood has sustained for decades at the hands of profit-hungry businessfolk and politicians :)

This phenomenon of the displacement of black and brown people in Chicago is not new. It happened to the Puerto Rican community of Lincoln Park, and it is happening in Logan Square today. CPS Stewart Elementary was shut down in 2013 and is now…loft apartments. Uptown in general. Lathrop and other housing projects. Cabrini-Green. The destruction of Bronzeville’s businesses. Black and brown communities have been pushed into the South and West sides for decades and generations, and then those areas have been systemically ignored and in many cases actively sabotaged.

Mayor Lori Lightfoot has done virtually nothing to address the needs and demands of her constituency, especially over the last few months but certainly throughout her tenure so far. This inadequacy (to put it mildly) also extends well beyond Lightfoot, of course, and frankly, Chicago’s elected officials have systemically and consistently been robbing Chicago’s communities of resources and support for generations.

I know this city is complicated. I know my experience in this city is incredibly privileged. But I also know that Chicago gets misused by the media and politicians, painted as a “war zone,” used as a pitiable statistic. I know Chicago and its people are deserving of so much more. Last I checked, Chicago is still one of the most segregated cities in America, we have more police than cities of comparable size, and police spending per capita has nearly tripled since 1964. Needless to say, that has not made Chicago safer for many people.

new phone (background) who dis

john’s joke of the week

This part of the email is brought to you by John Jennings Randall.

I took my partner’s last name in marriage. I feel bad – not sure what she’s going to use.

postscript

I do not regret telling you about the enema.

And I do not regret repeating it here.

Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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